I've had a total breakdown on Sunday. I was home alone, as hubby had a full day of work; it was CD1 so I was already depressed; and then watched a movie on HBO called Surrogate mother or something like that and I had a total meltdown, cried like crazy and just got so fed up with TTC.
It's now been 5 months since the MC and I have definite proof that I've been ovulating each cycle, but my body doesn't seem to get the memo. Progesterone is low, so I'm taking supplements, but even with supplements AF seems to be here less and less.
About this time last year, AF used to come for 5 days (with the works), for the past 2 cycles, she's been here only a couple of days and super light (which is usually a sign of an anovulatory cycle)...
I am pissed off... I am certain I ovulated on both sides, this cycle on the right, last cycle on the left and nothing happened, so all I can assume is that both my tubes are blocked. I am supposed to get an HSG done, but before that I have to redo all my tests (which were done last year).
And I'm not necessarily afraid of the pain that comes with the HSG, but instead I mostly fear that they won't find anything wrong... and then I won't have any explanation for why I'm not getting pregnant! That just terrifies me, because so far I can't do Clomid (cause I"m O on my own), and if this shows up clear too, I won't be able to do IVF either...
Not only that, but I found out I have to drop 20 kgs if I want to be eligible for free IVF (they give out free IVF to 1000 couples/year in my country).
I am just so fed up... I quit TTC for a month at least. I stopped temping and charting (woke up on CD1 to take temp and realized...oh wait.. I don't have to do this anymore... went back to sleep happy). I stopped scheduling sex and just stopped worrying.
I will still take my vitamins, still be on a healthy diet, and will go in for all the test... but won't do another mid-cycle scan and no beta test!!!! I need a break!!!!!!
Hey, new subscriber here, I know how you feel - it's so frustrating having disappointing cycles one after the other. I haven't read all your blogs, sO I'm not entirely sure of your journey so far but I see you had a MC 5 months ago. After 10 disappointing cycles, we finally got a BFP, unfortunately it turned out to be ectopic. That was 3 months ago - this cycle we begin TTc again (after a forced 3 month break). I hope that taking a more relaxed approach, no temping, no scheduled sex results in a nice surprise! Fingers crossed for us both xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks girl! I hope so too... but in fact I'm doing it cause I just need a break from the stress of it all. I still have to go in for some tests, which I'll do, and my hubby has to redo his semen analysis (it's been a year since the last one), but the rest.... I just need some peace and quiet!
DeletePS: I'll be sure to follow ur blog back!
Babe, take the break. Sometimes we just need to give the finger to TTC and relax for a while. You'll be ready for the roller coaster again soon x
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess! I'll still be around on FB and following and supporting everyone, but I just feel like I need some peace to collect my thoughts and gather strenght for what's to come!!! You know how it is...
DeleteI'll be happy to see good news from you though.... hopefully ur ovaries will get the memo this next cycle and make something happen ;)
Sometimes your body and your mind needs a break, before you can collect your thoughts and decide how you want to approach this journey, I wish you all the best, it is hard when you have pcos, I have it too- so annoying. I have enjoyed reading your blog so far, you can check mine out too www.conceivingbabyojo.blogspot.com
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