3rd Round of Clomid 50mg

Hey all!!

Wow, I've been neglecting this blog for so long now, but it's cause I talk to you all on FB all the time.
I was going to record a vlog today, but for lack of time alone I will put everything on here for you to read.

Yesteday was the RE appt and 1st mid-cycle scan. First of all I should say that I went off on my own this cycle and decided to take the Clomid earlier (days 3-7 instead of 5-9) in the hope that the follicles will be better quality. During the scan my doc saw 2 big follies on the right side about 17.5mm each. She was ecstatic and wants me to trigger today. I went in a bought my Ovidrel shot this morning and will take it late afternoon, so they still have a chance to mature to about 20mm each.
Everything is pretty much in place for this cycle, even though I was a stupid head and pill 5 of Clomid was taken on CD8 instead of 7, cause I left town without my meds.... but all we can do at this point in pray and hope for the best.

I think I've told you before that Femara is not used in Romania for fertility treatments, and I've told my doctor about it on several occasions. But yesterday she came to me with great news. One of her friends, a 39-year old, got preggo at this fertility clinic and used Femara as part of the medication protocol. So she gave me a refferal to go to this clinic in case this cycle is a bust. This will have been my 3rd Clomid round, so i can't take anymore for a while.... it can do more damage than good if taken too long.

So if AF decides to visit, I will have to pay a visit to this new clinic, which is the first in Romania to use Femara as part of their medication protocol (they don't use it alone, but in a mix with something else). I've also heard that they have a very high success rate, so that gives me a lot of hope for the future, because it sounds like a great back-up plan..... and I just love a good plan!!!

So this is about it for the news, I am scheduled to go in on Friday for another scan (it was my 2nd follicle scan of the month), but as it will now fall after ovulation I'm not sure if I should go....
My doc said I should because it will confirm ovulation, but at the same time, I don't know if it can do any harm. I know it may be a stupid question, but I have no clue if the ultrasound gel that they use is safe for sperm... I tend to think NOT, and I don't know if it can harm sperm that's already in there or not.... I don't know... I think I'm being crazy.... but if temps go up on their own, that's enough sign to me that ovulation has occured.... what do you guys think???

Divine Intervention

Before we begin, I should start out by saying that my family is Christian Orthodox and I was brought up believing in God, not going to church every Saturday (we go Saturdays, not Sundays), but believing in the Commandments, reading the Bible, not doing harm... that sort of way. I even had to take religion courses in school, but I have to admit most of them were crap and dealt with how are Orthodox and Catholic religions different... let me tell you.. they're not at all!

So, it's a fair assessment that I believe in God, pray to God for myself and others, but don't attend church too often. I am unaware of the protocols and different services that are done in the Orthodox church, which are many, but I trust that the lack of knowledge doesn't influence how much I believe in HIM.

That being said, there was a point in my life where so many things would go wrong, I would wake up in the middle of the night at the exact same time each night, I had 3 epilepsy seizures that no doctor could explain because I was in perfect health, and my mom took me to a friend of hers, a bioenergy therapist, who immediately told me something is off and someone has done charms on me. She sent me to church to a special service for the ill and possessed called "maslu" (Google translated it as "unction" in English). After going there, I never had any of those things happen to me again.

So only naturally, after my 2nd MC that stopped in evolution on the same exact week as my first one (too much of a coincidence, I said to myself), I went to see her again. Apart from telling me that I have a little trouble with my right sinus, my lungs, and my right kidney, she went on to say that she didn't see anything medically wrong with my reproductive system but that she seem something remaining of the past charm that I got rid off that is diminished but still doing harm. Apparently the person that did the charm did it so nothing would finalize for me, not work, not marriage, not kids... not anything. And I had to admit to myself that some weird things have been happening to me and hubby. We love each other dearly, but even before the wedding we had days when we would fight for no reason at all, it seemed like everything was against us marrying. We lost the money for the honeymoon in a bad business that went south, we lost the location that we initially booked for the wedding and so on.... things were adding up in my head....

So she told me to take advantage of lent and go to the MASLU service 3 times. I'm going Friday, next Monday and next Friday, I'm also starting to read today a prayer to a saint that is said to be the protector of couples and children, and I will read it everyday from now on, and make a determined effort for spiritual cleansing!

I can feel things being off... hubby not being able to get a decent job, me not being able to keep a pregnancy, trouble at work, things going wrong just when they pick up..... a change is needed and I feel God has the answer this time around. So here I am, akward and stumbling through the protocols of a rigid religion, because I trust in God and I feel He can bring us our little miracle!!!

Bad omen ?

Hey everyone! I'm gonna start this blog by mentioning how  much I love spring! It is my favorite season by far, and it's also when I'm born. My bday is next week, but I must say that I was never into celebrating it.... I don't like being sang to (happy bday and such), I like receiving flowers and gifts, but I don't make a big deal out of it, and I don't like throwing parties for it, cause they always turn out bad..... I can't remember a single bday party that I liked or that went on without any incidents...

That being said.... this has been a sad month so far. If last month we were celebrating my hubby's bday with a BFP, this month I'm celebrating my bday with a MC..... just figures...

Last wednesday was International Womens Day, which is kinda of a big deal here, cause it's also Mother's Day. I got a lot of flowers at work, but because I work also with my mom, and she wasn't in the office that day, everyone left her flowers on my desk as well... so I obviously had 2 of each at any point in time.

Well, you may ask yourself how beautiful spring flowers can be a bad omen and I don't know if this is the same in other cultures, but over here even numbered flowers are only taken to funerals. So I didn't like seeing them on my desk of course.

Come Friday I started bleeding and I started taking the meds that my doc gave me. Needless to say I felt pretty shitty all weekend, between cramps, bleeding, and a ton of side-effects from the meds, which included hyperventilation, accelerated pulse, high blood pressure, upset stomach and so on....

Last night, although it was pretty much over... just spotting a bit... I had the weirdest dream ever. It never happened to me before to have a dream within a dream, but last night was a first! I have to mention that seeing a baby in your dreams is also believed to be a bad omen here, a sign of illness or even death!

I was dreaming that I was miscarrying and that between all those cramps I gave birth to a baby girl, and I freaked out, I couldn't understand what had happened, how could the doctors been wrong? doing some weird calculation in my head (in my dream) I figured I was about 20 weeks preggo and I must've bled throughout the pregnancy cause I didn't know I was....
I was at my mother's house and they were all so happy to see the girl, but then I took a trip somewhere and when i saw my mom again I asked her where the baby was.... and she said What baby? were you dreaming? And I realized I must've dreamt it and woken up from a dream, but it seemed so real..... did I really just dreamt about holding my baby girl? It was so weird......
The dream continued for a while with me confused about what had happened and missing a plane I was supposed to get on and just weird stuff like that.

When I was woke up for real it was about 2:30am, I was still freaked out and confused..... that dream within the dream felt so real.... so palpable....it terrified me....

I don't know if it's a bad omen of things to come or if it's just a reflection of what I'm going through, but it scared me, it left me wondering...

Another bad news....

I guess it's a good thing that I didn't get to put up that week 5 hopeful update on this blog, cause I just came to realize how stupid I was to get so hopeful and wishful.... all the praying in the world couldn't prevent this from happening and I am just speechless at this point.

Beta HCG went down from last week, which means only one thing... baby stopped growing and a miscarriage is imminent.... and I know best of all that no one and nothing can stop it from happening.

I am frustrated, and mad, and confused, and I wanna punch someone in the face, but don't know who, cause it's really nobody's fault! I just don't understand this great plan that God has for me.... I just don't get it!

Week 4 Pregnancy Vlog - sorry for losing it a bit in the video....

BFP with issues of its own!!!

Wow, I dread writting this blog now, I wish I made time yesterday to do a vlog so you could've seen how happy I was! I was over the moon this morning as I peed on a Digital Clearblue test and it showed that beautiful + sign in under a minute.... I put it in a pretty box and hid it at the bottom of hubby's birthday present!

I woke him up, way to early, cause it was the first time I took a digital and didn't know how long it stays on after you take it. He saw his present and then I had to tell him to dig to the bottom to find the box. So he looked at the boxed and leaned in the kiss me, and I told him it's more important what's inside.... so he opened it.... he was in shock, as I was the day before when I found out! We didn't expect this at all this cycle... to quote my previous post, I didn't think PIGS could FLY... and here they were.....

And then, after a moment of joy.... that all too familiar face came on... the "WHAT IF" face..... I know it all too well! And I knew.... he couldn't be happy with all his heart until he knew it was all ok.... and the truth is.... so am I, only that I get my excitement get the best of me.....(while I secretly cry and pray to God as I'm driving to work and from work each day).

And only a couple of hours passed and I got my beta results from yesterday, which was probably around 14dpo, based on past cycles (didn't monitor this one). This number crushed me.... I couldn't even bring myself to tell hubby yet, cause I'm afraid I'm gonna have a meltdown in the middle of my work day. I'll tell him tonight and we'll probably keep hoping but brace ourselves for the next results!

I'll go in tomorrow morning to get blood drawn, which will be about 46-47 hours after the first one. I want to think that everything will be ok, but in the back of my mind I just can't right now!!! The "WHAT IF" kills me. I wish I can see PIGS FLYING again!!!!!

I'll probably stop to a church on my way home and light a candle and say a long prayer................................

Doc Appointment Results

So today was my appointment at 6 months after the miscarriage. Officially this is the time when we're supposed to start trying again (we never stopped trying, for the record).

It was such a brief meeting, just discussing next steps and game plan for months to come.

First things first, I was told to stop using OPKs and charting because it causes too much stress, and i had to agree because I found that out on my own, the frustration is endless, and I'm a pretty emotional person, so I take it the hard way.

After a short discussion I was told that hubby doesn't have to redo the spermogram, but that we both have to go in for a genetic testing, because of the pregnancy that was stopped in evolution. I guess they want to rule out genetic malformations or problems so that we don't have to go through that again.

Apart from that I was given a long list of tests (super expensive, by the way) to do on the next cycle. They mostly include immunology markers and virology markers, such as Listeria, Taxoplasmosis, Gonoreea, Herpes (several kinds), and the usual Vaginal and Cervical Secretions (sorry TMI). By the end of it I may have a clue if anything is wrong or I may not, but for sure I'll be broke!!!

At my clinic they offer some of the tests for free with my insurance, but the rest (and there's a whole lot of them) are gonna break my budget for a while.... : (

Oh, and I forgot to mention that after I'm done with all these tests, I still have to do an HSG (Histerosalpingogram)... real bummer.... I'm kinda scared of it!

Here's hoping for an absurd miracle that AF doesn't show up this month and I don't have to go through the probing process..... I know... pigs can't fly... Jules reminded us the other day.....

Near End-Of Cycle Update

Today is CD 24 ( I had to check FF, cause I didn't even know it), and this has been a down-time cycle. I was taking a break from TTC and it's good that this was so or I would've been so frustrated.

Around my normal ovulation time hubby got super sick with really high fever (39.1 Celcius) and chills, coughing, the works, so needless to say our BD was almost in-existent. Since I'm not trying this month, I'm not frustrated about it, but I am worried that the high fever will affect coming months as well.

I've read in a TTC book that high fever kills sperm or at least affects them quite a bit and that it takes about 3 months for the body to produce fresh sperm. So my biggest concern at this time is that this incident puts us back another 3 months in our journey and that to me is just sad because it'll be past the due date of the August baby that miscarried. In my head I was hoping to fall preggo before that deadline and figured I would cope with that date a lot better if I was "expecting".

I was able to talk to my Infertility Specialist today (who is also my uncle, distant uncle, but best in the country) and unfortunatelly he is super sick as well, so he asked me to call him on Thursday night and see if he's feeling better and can see us on Friday morning.
I'm really looking forward in seeing him because I trust him a lot and I want to have a clear game plan for the months to come.
I'll be sure to update once we have the appointment! Have an awesome V-day everyone!!!

Enough TTC - No more...

I've had a total breakdown on Sunday. I was home alone, as hubby had a full day of work; it was CD1 so I was already depressed; and then watched a movie on HBO called Surrogate mother or something like that and I had a total meltdown, cried like crazy and just got so fed up with TTC.

It's now been 5 months since the MC and I have definite proof that I've been ovulating each cycle, but my body doesn't seem to get the memo. Progesterone is low, so I'm taking supplements, but even with supplements AF seems to be here less and less.

About this time last year, AF used to come for 5 days (with the works), for the past 2 cycles, she's been here only a couple of days and super light (which is usually a sign of an anovulatory cycle)...

I am pissed off... I am certain I ovulated on both sides, this cycle on the right, last cycle on the left and nothing happened, so all I can assume is that both my tubes are blocked. I am supposed to get an HSG done, but before that I have to redo all my tests (which were done last year).

And I'm not necessarily afraid of the pain that comes with the HSG, but instead I mostly fear that they won't find anything wrong... and then I won't have any explanation for why I'm not getting pregnant! That just terrifies me, because so far I can't do Clomid (cause I"m O on my own), and if this shows up clear too, I won't be able to do IVF either...
Not only that, but I found out I have to drop 20 kgs if I want to be eligible for free IVF (they give out free IVF to 1000 couples/year in my country).

I am just so fed up... I quit TTC for a month at least. I stopped temping and charting (woke up on CD1 to take temp and realized...oh wait.. I don't have to do this anymore... went back to sleep happy). I stopped scheduling sex and just stopped worrying.
I will still take my vitamins, still be on a healthy diet, and will go in for all the test... but won't do another mid-cycle scan and no beta test!!!! I need a break!!!!!!

Weird dreams

I've been trying to write this blog all weekend, but I just didn't seem to have the time to. Before I say anything, I should mention that I dream a lot (at night I mean, not with my eyes open). I think I dream more than most people, as in 3-4 dreams per night and I usually remember them all. Apart from dreaming a lot, I also get really weird dreams... if I would have the patience to write them down, they would make some of the best sci-fi movies around!!!

Having that said... this weekend was the epiphany of weird dreams, especially nightmares, some really scary. But there was one dream... the first one actually... that stood out to me, and I didn't even tell it to my hubby, just because I wasn't sure what significance it could have...

In this dream we were in a strange location, kinda looking like a house, and we were surrounded by these weird zombies all dressed up in suits, they were looking like a bunch a corporate "monkeys" doing a weird dancing routine, it's kinda like what I envision the corporate world to be.... everyone doing the same synced dance routine....I just can't figure out what they were doing in my dream.

The point is that we were running away from them in the dream and at some point I yelled to my hubby which was on a staircase to grab the girls from upstairs and he showed up with a pink, flowery design, baby carrier (the basic kind, that here in Romania they make you buy in order to take a baby home from the hospital). I attached a picture reference below. In the dream I knew there were 2 little girls in there, but I could never see them.

I'm hoping that's a good omen, because in my country it is believed that when you see a small baby in your dreams that it symbolizes death, but I guess that's different in every culture.

MUSICAL CHAIRS

A couple of nights ago I got this crazy cute picture from my dad. He lives about an hour away from us and he's surrounded by animals in the house, including our cat (the orange one) that we had to give up when moving to the new house. Thankfully he found a nice home with my dad and he loves him now very much!

So here they were at time for dinner when the cats started playing musical chairs with my dad and guess what.... when the music ended he was the one left without a chair at the dinner table...LOL!

So, when I saw the picture, apart from laughing a little bit and going "Aww...how cute!"... I had to start thinking that it's exactly how I feel in this TTC journey. I don't have anything against the girls who get their BFPs, I couldn't be more happy for them, but I just keep feeling like every time the music ends (AF time) I'm the sucker who's left without a chair....

I just wish for once I could be fast enough or smart enough or just plain lucky enough to grab a chair and get a chance to be joyous and complete our family of two!

I hope nobody takes this as a rant, because it's not! It's been written in a very light-hearted manner and meant only as a comparison at how games illustrate life so well!!!

Horrible night!!!!

So although I had a lot of O pains going on, the OPK I took yesterday was definetely Negative. I'll take another one today in a couple of hours. What I find very strange is that I had the majority of the pains on my left side and it's actually my right ovary that's ovulating this month!

So last night, as scheduled, it was time to BD. We came home pretty late, had some fun BDing and as I was laying for my 40 mins wait after BD, it was abrubtly interrupted by the horrible storm outside.

I have to mention that a couple of months ago we put in these canopies (metal structure and soft PVC material, the ones that are fixed and don't retract) over our 2 balconies. The wind was insane last night and it's still is pretty bad even now. It was also raining like crazy.

So, I think I was lying on the bed for like 3, maybe 5 minutes, when there was a big sound coming from the front balcony. My hubby ran, butt-naked to the balcony and caught the canopy with one hand as it was falling down. The wind had pulled it straight out of the wall, with the dowels and everything. I put a robe on and my boots and ran outside to move the car, which was parked on the driveway, right below the front balcony. I moved the car onto the street and ran back up to help hubby. It was crazy windy and we were trying to move the huge canopy at an angle so it could fit through the balcony door into the room. I took us about 20 to 30 mins before we got it inside. We were soaked, cold and mostly panicked.

We went for the bed and not 5 minuted passed after I said "I hope to God the other one doesn't fall", and there was another sound, this time coming from our bedroom balcony. I ran towards the door and as I opened it the canopy was ripped from the wall by the raging wind, knocking down the lantern on the wall too. I was able to catch the canopy by the metal structure and hold it in place, but this one wasn't going to be as easy to get it. I knew because I was there when they barely fit it through the door before installing it. So there we were, back in the rain and wind trying to maneuver that huge thing and every time we tried to angle it the wind was pulling it from our hands. To make a long story short it took us a couple of hours to get it inside the room, in which time we were screaming at eachother (the nerves, cold and rain were getting the best of us), getting really frustrated and couldn't figure out how to make it happen. By a miracle on a last try I was able to pull it in, even though scratching the door and wooden floor in the process. Then we spent another half hour wiping the wooden floor so that it doesn't get ruined.

When we were back in bed it was already about 4:30 am. We hugged and tried to go to bed, but the sounds outside made that impossible. We finally fell asleep at about 6am. And what I forgot to mention is that out power was off since about 11pm, so all this craziness took place in absolute darkness...

I hope I never have to go through anything like that again. And I trully pray that it didn't ruin our chances for conceiving this month completely.

Mid-Cycle Scan

So here we are midpoint again. I was scheduled for my scan this morning at 11:40. Today is CD 14.

I got there about 20 mins before my appointment and I was lucky enough that the person scheduled before me hadn't arrived yet, so I got to go straight in. This  was a new doc I went to, and I know he's good cause he also did my mom's Mammogram and breast U/S. The whole thing happened so fast. Being that he isn't my RE or OBGYN, he didn't ask anything about history, CD, any data at all... he already knew from the nurse that it was an ovulation monitoring and he was ready to go. By the time I entered the clinic and the time I got out, not more than 10 minutes past.... it was the fastest scan in recorded history I think!

In spite of the speed, he was very thorough. I don't know much about the position of the uterus or if that changes throughout the cycle, but the 3 scans I had last cycle all say the uterus in a position which would translate into English as Forward flexion, which kinda means tilted towards the front, I think. This is the first scan where the doc said the uterus is in an intermediary position.

The left ovary was smaller is size than last cycle and without any mature follicles. Right ovary had a big follicle 15x14.5mm. I thought that was pretty small considering last cycle my scan was on CD13 and the follicle was already 17.5mm in diameter. But the doc said the size is fine and actually showed me the egg within the follicle, it was easily visible. He said I have about 4 days of a fertile window starting now.

What I found most surprising was the cervix. First ever scan where my cervix is open, that never happened before. It has a opening of 2.1mm, which apparently is really good (big).... so I'm hoping that's a good sign that my body wants a baby too!!!

What worries me is the small endometrium, which was only 6.7mm thick, and that's really tiny. Last cycle on the scan it was already 10.9mm thick. I'm hoping it'll get thicker once I start the progesterone supplement on CD16. In the meantime, we are sticking to the BD schedule, once every other day. I don't even know if I should take an OPK. I'm not taking one today, there's no point. Maybe I'll take one tomorrow, but since we're on a strict BD schedule, it doesn't really influence things at all.

So... here's to a stress-free cycle, and perhaps a positive outcome to it!!!

Happy New YEAR!!!

Hey yall,
It's been a while since I updated my blog, and that is because I am so absorbed with FB and I've also been away for the last couple of weeks on vacation. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, whichever one you celebrated. I know I have enjoyed my little vacation with the family.

To wrap up the last cycle in 2011, it was a BFN, but those of you who follow me on FB know that already! I've been very relaxed this cycle and I'm hoping that had a good impact on O. I'm going to my mid-cycle scan on the 5th, which is in a couple of days and then I'll know if there's an egg there to catch. I'm trying to really relax this cycle, and even though I am still charting, to take a very relaxed attitude towards it. Trying also to take the docs advice and BD once every other day and not more often so that we have plenty of little swimmers.

FX that the scan goes well and that maybe just maybe we get lucky this year!!!
I wish everyone a great 2012, may all your wishes come true.... tons of baby dust to those in need, and healthy pregnancies and babies to those who got their BFP in 2011!!!!