I've had a total breakdown on Sunday. I was home alone, as hubby had a full day of work; it was CD1 so I was already depressed; and then watched a movie on HBO called Surrogate mother or something like that and I had a total meltdown, cried like crazy and just got so fed up with TTC.
It's now been 5 months since the MC and I have definite proof that I've been ovulating each cycle, but my body doesn't seem to get the memo. Progesterone is low, so I'm taking supplements, but even with supplements AF seems to be here less and less.
About this time last year, AF used to come for 5 days (with the works), for the past 2 cycles, she's been here only a couple of days and super light (which is usually a sign of an anovulatory cycle)...
I am pissed off... I am certain I ovulated on both sides, this cycle on the right, last cycle on the left and nothing happened, so all I can assume is that both my tubes are blocked. I am supposed to get an HSG done, but before that I have to redo all my tests (which were done last year).
And I'm not necessarily afraid of the pain that comes with the HSG, but instead I mostly fear that they won't find anything wrong... and then I won't have any explanation for why I'm not getting pregnant! That just terrifies me, because so far I can't do Clomid (cause I"m O on my own), and if this shows up clear too, I won't be able to do IVF either...
Not only that, but I found out I have to drop 20 kgs if I want to be eligible for free IVF (they give out free IVF to 1000 couples/year in my country).
I am just so fed up... I quit TTC for a month at least. I stopped temping and charting (woke up on CD1 to take temp and realized...oh wait.. I don't have to do this anymore... went back to sleep happy). I stopped scheduling sex and just stopped worrying.
I will still take my vitamins, still be on a healthy diet, and will go in for all the test... but won't do another mid-cycle scan and no beta test!!!! I need a break!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Weird dreams
I've been trying to write this blog all weekend, but I just didn't seem to have the time to. Before I say anything, I should mention that I dream a lot (at night I mean, not with my eyes open). I think I dream more than most people, as in 3-4 dreams per night and I usually remember them all. Apart from dreaming a lot, I also get really weird dreams... if I would have the patience to write them down, they would make some of the best sci-fi movies around!!!
Having that said... this weekend was the epiphany of weird dreams, especially nightmares, some really scary. But there was one dream... the first one actually... that stood out to me, and I didn't even tell it to my hubby, just because I wasn't sure what significance it could have...
In this dream we were in a strange location, kinda looking like a house, and we were surrounded by these weird zombies all dressed up in suits, they were looking like a bunch a corporate "monkeys" doing a weird dancing routine, it's kinda like what I envision the corporate world to be.... everyone doing the same synced dance routine....I just can't figure out what they were doing in my dream.
The point is that we were running away from them in the dream and at some point I yelled to my hubby which was on a staircase to grab the girls from upstairs and he showed up with a pink, flowery design, baby carrier (the basic kind, that here in Romania they make you buy in order to take a baby home from the hospital). I attached a picture reference below. In the dream I knew there were 2 little girls in there, but I could never see them.
I'm hoping that's a good omen, because in my country it is believed that when you see a small baby in your dreams that it symbolizes death, but I guess that's different in every culture.
Having that said... this weekend was the epiphany of weird dreams, especially nightmares, some really scary. But there was one dream... the first one actually... that stood out to me, and I didn't even tell it to my hubby, just because I wasn't sure what significance it could have...
In this dream we were in a strange location, kinda looking like a house, and we were surrounded by these weird zombies all dressed up in suits, they were looking like a bunch a corporate "monkeys" doing a weird dancing routine, it's kinda like what I envision the corporate world to be.... everyone doing the same synced dance routine....I just can't figure out what they were doing in my dream.
The point is that we were running away from them in the dream and at some point I yelled to my hubby which was on a staircase to grab the girls from upstairs and he showed up with a pink, flowery design, baby carrier (the basic kind, that here in Romania they make you buy in order to take a baby home from the hospital). I attached a picture reference below. In the dream I knew there were 2 little girls in there, but I could never see them.
I'm hoping that's a good omen, because in my country it is believed that when you see a small baby in your dreams that it symbolizes death, but I guess that's different in every culture.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
MUSICAL CHAIRS
A couple of nights ago I got this crazy cute picture from my dad. He lives about an hour away from us and he's surrounded by animals in the house, including our cat (the orange one) that we had to give up when moving to the new house. Thankfully he found a nice home with my dad and he loves him now very much!
So here they were at time for dinner when the cats started playing musical chairs with my dad and guess what.... when the music ended he was the one left without a chair at the dinner table...LOL!
So, when I saw the picture, apart from laughing a little bit and going "Aww...how cute!"... I had to start thinking that it's exactly how I feel in this TTC journey. I don't have anything against the girls who get their BFPs, I couldn't be more happy for them, but I just keep feeling like every time the music ends (AF time) I'm the sucker who's left without a chair....
I just wish for once I could be fast enough or smart enough or just plain lucky enough to grab a chair and get a chance to be joyous and complete our family of two!
I hope nobody takes this as a rant, because it's not! It's been written in a very light-hearted manner and meant only as a comparison at how games illustrate life so well!!!
So here they were at time for dinner when the cats started playing musical chairs with my dad and guess what.... when the music ended he was the one left without a chair at the dinner table...LOL!
So, when I saw the picture, apart from laughing a little bit and going "Aww...how cute!"... I had to start thinking that it's exactly how I feel in this TTC journey. I don't have anything against the girls who get their BFPs, I couldn't be more happy for them, but I just keep feeling like every time the music ends (AF time) I'm the sucker who's left without a chair....
I just wish for once I could be fast enough or smart enough or just plain lucky enough to grab a chair and get a chance to be joyous and complete our family of two!
I hope nobody takes this as a rant, because it's not! It's been written in a very light-hearted manner and meant only as a comparison at how games illustrate life so well!!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Horrible night!!!!
So although I had a lot of O pains going on, the OPK I took yesterday was definetely Negative. I'll take another one today in a couple of hours. What I find very strange is that I had the majority of the pains on my left side and it's actually my right ovary that's ovulating this month!
So last night, as scheduled, it was time to BD. We came home pretty late, had some fun BDing and as I was laying for my 40 mins wait after BD, it was abrubtly interrupted by the horrible storm outside.
I have to mention that a couple of months ago we put in these canopies (metal structure and soft PVC material, the ones that are fixed and don't retract) over our 2 balconies. The wind was insane last night and it's still is pretty bad even now. It was also raining like crazy.
So, I think I was lying on the bed for like 3, maybe 5 minutes, when there was a big sound coming from the front balcony. My hubby ran, butt-naked to the balcony and caught the canopy with one hand as it was falling down. The wind had pulled it straight out of the wall, with the dowels and everything. I put a robe on and my boots and ran outside to move the car, which was parked on the driveway, right below the front balcony. I moved the car onto the street and ran back up to help hubby. It was crazy windy and we were trying to move the huge canopy at an angle so it could fit through the balcony door into the room. I took us about 20 to 30 mins before we got it inside. We were soaked, cold and mostly panicked.
We went for the bed and not 5 minuted passed after I said "I hope to God the other one doesn't fall", and there was another sound, this time coming from our bedroom balcony. I ran towards the door and as I opened it the canopy was ripped from the wall by the raging wind, knocking down the lantern on the wall too. I was able to catch the canopy by the metal structure and hold it in place, but this one wasn't going to be as easy to get it. I knew because I was there when they barely fit it through the door before installing it. So there we were, back in the rain and wind trying to maneuver that huge thing and every time we tried to angle it the wind was pulling it from our hands. To make a long story short it took us a couple of hours to get it inside the room, in which time we were screaming at eachother (the nerves, cold and rain were getting the best of us), getting really frustrated and couldn't figure out how to make it happen. By a miracle on a last try I was able to pull it in, even though scratching the door and wooden floor in the process. Then we spent another half hour wiping the wooden floor so that it doesn't get ruined.
When we were back in bed it was already about 4:30 am. We hugged and tried to go to bed, but the sounds outside made that impossible. We finally fell asleep at about 6am. And what I forgot to mention is that out power was off since about 11pm, so all this craziness took place in absolute darkness...
I hope I never have to go through anything like that again. And I trully pray that it didn't ruin our chances for conceiving this month completely.
So last night, as scheduled, it was time to BD. We came home pretty late, had some fun BDing and as I was laying for my 40 mins wait after BD, it was abrubtly interrupted by the horrible storm outside.
I have to mention that a couple of months ago we put in these canopies (metal structure and soft PVC material, the ones that are fixed and don't retract) over our 2 balconies. The wind was insane last night and it's still is pretty bad even now. It was also raining like crazy.
So, I think I was lying on the bed for like 3, maybe 5 minutes, when there was a big sound coming from the front balcony. My hubby ran, butt-naked to the balcony and caught the canopy with one hand as it was falling down. The wind had pulled it straight out of the wall, with the dowels and everything. I put a robe on and my boots and ran outside to move the car, which was parked on the driveway, right below the front balcony. I moved the car onto the street and ran back up to help hubby. It was crazy windy and we were trying to move the huge canopy at an angle so it could fit through the balcony door into the room. I took us about 20 to 30 mins before we got it inside. We were soaked, cold and mostly panicked.
We went for the bed and not 5 minuted passed after I said "I hope to God the other one doesn't fall", and there was another sound, this time coming from our bedroom balcony. I ran towards the door and as I opened it the canopy was ripped from the wall by the raging wind, knocking down the lantern on the wall too. I was able to catch the canopy by the metal structure and hold it in place, but this one wasn't going to be as easy to get it. I knew because I was there when they barely fit it through the door before installing it. So there we were, back in the rain and wind trying to maneuver that huge thing and every time we tried to angle it the wind was pulling it from our hands. To make a long story short it took us a couple of hours to get it inside the room, in which time we were screaming at eachother (the nerves, cold and rain were getting the best of us), getting really frustrated and couldn't figure out how to make it happen. By a miracle on a last try I was able to pull it in, even though scratching the door and wooden floor in the process. Then we spent another half hour wiping the wooden floor so that it doesn't get ruined.
When we were back in bed it was already about 4:30 am. We hugged and tried to go to bed, but the sounds outside made that impossible. We finally fell asleep at about 6am. And what I forgot to mention is that out power was off since about 11pm, so all this craziness took place in absolute darkness...
I hope I never have to go through anything like that again. And I trully pray that it didn't ruin our chances for conceiving this month completely.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mid-Cycle Scan
So here we are midpoint again. I was scheduled for my scan this morning at 11:40. Today is CD 14.
I got there about 20 mins before my appointment and I was lucky enough that the person scheduled before me hadn't arrived yet, so I got to go straight in. This was a new doc I went to, and I know he's good cause he also did my mom's Mammogram and breast U/S. The whole thing happened so fast. Being that he isn't my RE or OBGYN, he didn't ask anything about history, CD, any data at all... he already knew from the nurse that it was an ovulation monitoring and he was ready to go. By the time I entered the clinic and the time I got out, not more than 10 minutes past.... it was the fastest scan in recorded history I think!
In spite of the speed, he was very thorough. I don't know much about the position of the uterus or if that changes throughout the cycle, but the 3 scans I had last cycle all say the uterus in a position which would translate into English as Forward flexion, which kinda means tilted towards the front, I think. This is the first scan where the doc said the uterus is in an intermediary position.
The left ovary was smaller is size than last cycle and without any mature follicles. Right ovary had a big follicle 15x14.5mm. I thought that was pretty small considering last cycle my scan was on CD13 and the follicle was already 17.5mm in diameter. But the doc said the size is fine and actually showed me the egg within the follicle, it was easily visible. He said I have about 4 days of a fertile window starting now.
What I found most surprising was the cervix. First ever scan where my cervix is open, that never happened before. It has a opening of 2.1mm, which apparently is really good (big).... so I'm hoping that's a good sign that my body wants a baby too!!!
What worries me is the small endometrium, which was only 6.7mm thick, and that's really tiny. Last cycle on the scan it was already 10.9mm thick. I'm hoping it'll get thicker once I start the progesterone supplement on CD16. In the meantime, we are sticking to the BD schedule, once every other day. I don't even know if I should take an OPK. I'm not taking one today, there's no point. Maybe I'll take one tomorrow, but since we're on a strict BD schedule, it doesn't really influence things at all.
So... here's to a stress-free cycle, and perhaps a positive outcome to it!!!
I got there about 20 mins before my appointment and I was lucky enough that the person scheduled before me hadn't arrived yet, so I got to go straight in. This was a new doc I went to, and I know he's good cause he also did my mom's Mammogram and breast U/S. The whole thing happened so fast. Being that he isn't my RE or OBGYN, he didn't ask anything about history, CD, any data at all... he already knew from the nurse that it was an ovulation monitoring and he was ready to go. By the time I entered the clinic and the time I got out, not more than 10 minutes past.... it was the fastest scan in recorded history I think!
In spite of the speed, he was very thorough. I don't know much about the position of the uterus or if that changes throughout the cycle, but the 3 scans I had last cycle all say the uterus in a position which would translate into English as Forward flexion, which kinda means tilted towards the front, I think. This is the first scan where the doc said the uterus is in an intermediary position.
The left ovary was smaller is size than last cycle and without any mature follicles. Right ovary had a big follicle 15x14.5mm. I thought that was pretty small considering last cycle my scan was on CD13 and the follicle was already 17.5mm in diameter. But the doc said the size is fine and actually showed me the egg within the follicle, it was easily visible. He said I have about 4 days of a fertile window starting now.
What I found most surprising was the cervix. First ever scan where my cervix is open, that never happened before. It has a opening of 2.1mm, which apparently is really good (big).... so I'm hoping that's a good sign that my body wants a baby too!!!
What worries me is the small endometrium, which was only 6.7mm thick, and that's really tiny. Last cycle on the scan it was already 10.9mm thick. I'm hoping it'll get thicker once I start the progesterone supplement on CD16. In the meantime, we are sticking to the BD schedule, once every other day. I don't even know if I should take an OPK. I'm not taking one today, there's no point. Maybe I'll take one tomorrow, but since we're on a strict BD schedule, it doesn't really influence things at all.
So... here's to a stress-free cycle, and perhaps a positive outcome to it!!!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Happy New YEAR!!!
Hey yall,
It's been a while since I updated my blog, and that is because I am so absorbed with FB and I've also been away for the last couple of weeks on vacation. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, whichever one you celebrated. I know I have enjoyed my little vacation with the family.
To wrap up the last cycle in 2011, it was a BFN, but those of you who follow me on FB know that already! I've been very relaxed this cycle and I'm hoping that had a good impact on O. I'm going to my mid-cycle scan on the 5th, which is in a couple of days and then I'll know if there's an egg there to catch. I'm trying to really relax this cycle, and even though I am still charting, to take a very relaxed attitude towards it. Trying also to take the docs advice and BD once every other day and not more often so that we have plenty of little swimmers.
FX that the scan goes well and that maybe just maybe we get lucky this year!!!
I wish everyone a great 2012, may all your wishes come true.... tons of baby dust to those in need, and healthy pregnancies and babies to those who got their BFP in 2011!!!!
It's been a while since I updated my blog, and that is because I am so absorbed with FB and I've also been away for the last couple of weeks on vacation. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, whichever one you celebrated. I know I have enjoyed my little vacation with the family.
To wrap up the last cycle in 2011, it was a BFN, but those of you who follow me on FB know that already! I've been very relaxed this cycle and I'm hoping that had a good impact on O. I'm going to my mid-cycle scan on the 5th, which is in a couple of days and then I'll know if there's an egg there to catch. I'm trying to really relax this cycle, and even though I am still charting, to take a very relaxed attitude towards it. Trying also to take the docs advice and BD once every other day and not more often so that we have plenty of little swimmers.
FX that the scan goes well and that maybe just maybe we get lucky this year!!!
I wish everyone a great 2012, may all your wishes come true.... tons of baby dust to those in need, and healthy pregnancies and babies to those who got their BFP in 2011!!!!
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