3rd Round of Clomid 50mg

Hey all!!

Wow, I've been neglecting this blog for so long now, but it's cause I talk to you all on FB all the time.
I was going to record a vlog today, but for lack of time alone I will put everything on here for you to read.

Yesteday was the RE appt and 1st mid-cycle scan. First of all I should say that I went off on my own this cycle and decided to take the Clomid earlier (days 3-7 instead of 5-9) in the hope that the follicles will be better quality. During the scan my doc saw 2 big follies on the right side about 17.5mm each. She was ecstatic and wants me to trigger today. I went in a bought my Ovidrel shot this morning and will take it late afternoon, so they still have a chance to mature to about 20mm each.
Everything is pretty much in place for this cycle, even though I was a stupid head and pill 5 of Clomid was taken on CD8 instead of 7, cause I left town without my meds.... but all we can do at this point in pray and hope for the best.

I think I've told you before that Femara is not used in Romania for fertility treatments, and I've told my doctor about it on several occasions. But yesterday she came to me with great news. One of her friends, a 39-year old, got preggo at this fertility clinic and used Femara as part of the medication protocol. So she gave me a refferal to go to this clinic in case this cycle is a bust. This will have been my 3rd Clomid round, so i can't take anymore for a while.... it can do more damage than good if taken too long.

So if AF decides to visit, I will have to pay a visit to this new clinic, which is the first in Romania to use Femara as part of their medication protocol (they don't use it alone, but in a mix with something else). I've also heard that they have a very high success rate, so that gives me a lot of hope for the future, because it sounds like a great back-up plan..... and I just love a good plan!!!

So this is about it for the news, I am scheduled to go in on Friday for another scan (it was my 2nd follicle scan of the month), but as it will now fall after ovulation I'm not sure if I should go....
My doc said I should because it will confirm ovulation, but at the same time, I don't know if it can do any harm. I know it may be a stupid question, but I have no clue if the ultrasound gel that they use is safe for sperm... I tend to think NOT, and I don't know if it can harm sperm that's already in there or not.... I don't know... I think I'm being crazy.... but if temps go up on their own, that's enough sign to me that ovulation has occured.... what do you guys think???

Divine Intervention

Before we begin, I should start out by saying that my family is Christian Orthodox and I was brought up believing in God, not going to church every Saturday (we go Saturdays, not Sundays), but believing in the Commandments, reading the Bible, not doing harm... that sort of way. I even had to take religion courses in school, but I have to admit most of them were crap and dealt with how are Orthodox and Catholic religions different... let me tell you.. they're not at all!

So, it's a fair assessment that I believe in God, pray to God for myself and others, but don't attend church too often. I am unaware of the protocols and different services that are done in the Orthodox church, which are many, but I trust that the lack of knowledge doesn't influence how much I believe in HIM.

That being said, there was a point in my life where so many things would go wrong, I would wake up in the middle of the night at the exact same time each night, I had 3 epilepsy seizures that no doctor could explain because I was in perfect health, and my mom took me to a friend of hers, a bioenergy therapist, who immediately told me something is off and someone has done charms on me. She sent me to church to a special service for the ill and possessed called "maslu" (Google translated it as "unction" in English). After going there, I never had any of those things happen to me again.

So only naturally, after my 2nd MC that stopped in evolution on the same exact week as my first one (too much of a coincidence, I said to myself), I went to see her again. Apart from telling me that I have a little trouble with my right sinus, my lungs, and my right kidney, she went on to say that she didn't see anything medically wrong with my reproductive system but that she seem something remaining of the past charm that I got rid off that is diminished but still doing harm. Apparently the person that did the charm did it so nothing would finalize for me, not work, not marriage, not kids... not anything. And I had to admit to myself that some weird things have been happening to me and hubby. We love each other dearly, but even before the wedding we had days when we would fight for no reason at all, it seemed like everything was against us marrying. We lost the money for the honeymoon in a bad business that went south, we lost the location that we initially booked for the wedding and so on.... things were adding up in my head....

So she told me to take advantage of lent and go to the MASLU service 3 times. I'm going Friday, next Monday and next Friday, I'm also starting to read today a prayer to a saint that is said to be the protector of couples and children, and I will read it everyday from now on, and make a determined effort for spiritual cleansing!

I can feel things being off... hubby not being able to get a decent job, me not being able to keep a pregnancy, trouble at work, things going wrong just when they pick up..... a change is needed and I feel God has the answer this time around. So here I am, akward and stumbling through the protocols of a rigid religion, because I trust in God and I feel He can bring us our little miracle!!!

Bad omen ?

Hey everyone! I'm gonna start this blog by mentioning how  much I love spring! It is my favorite season by far, and it's also when I'm born. My bday is next week, but I must say that I was never into celebrating it.... I don't like being sang to (happy bday and such), I like receiving flowers and gifts, but I don't make a big deal out of it, and I don't like throwing parties for it, cause they always turn out bad..... I can't remember a single bday party that I liked or that went on without any incidents...

That being said.... this has been a sad month so far. If last month we were celebrating my hubby's bday with a BFP, this month I'm celebrating my bday with a MC..... just figures...

Last wednesday was International Womens Day, which is kinda of a big deal here, cause it's also Mother's Day. I got a lot of flowers at work, but because I work also with my mom, and she wasn't in the office that day, everyone left her flowers on my desk as well... so I obviously had 2 of each at any point in time.

Well, you may ask yourself how beautiful spring flowers can be a bad omen and I don't know if this is the same in other cultures, but over here even numbered flowers are only taken to funerals. So I didn't like seeing them on my desk of course.

Come Friday I started bleeding and I started taking the meds that my doc gave me. Needless to say I felt pretty shitty all weekend, between cramps, bleeding, and a ton of side-effects from the meds, which included hyperventilation, accelerated pulse, high blood pressure, upset stomach and so on....

Last night, although it was pretty much over... just spotting a bit... I had the weirdest dream ever. It never happened to me before to have a dream within a dream, but last night was a first! I have to mention that seeing a baby in your dreams is also believed to be a bad omen here, a sign of illness or even death!

I was dreaming that I was miscarrying and that between all those cramps I gave birth to a baby girl, and I freaked out, I couldn't understand what had happened, how could the doctors been wrong? doing some weird calculation in my head (in my dream) I figured I was about 20 weeks preggo and I must've bled throughout the pregnancy cause I didn't know I was....
I was at my mother's house and they were all so happy to see the girl, but then I took a trip somewhere and when i saw my mom again I asked her where the baby was.... and she said What baby? were you dreaming? And I realized I must've dreamt it and woken up from a dream, but it seemed so real..... did I really just dreamt about holding my baby girl? It was so weird......
The dream continued for a while with me confused about what had happened and missing a plane I was supposed to get on and just weird stuff like that.

When I was woke up for real it was about 2:30am, I was still freaked out and confused..... that dream within the dream felt so real.... so palpable....it terrified me....

I don't know if it's a bad omen of things to come or if it's just a reflection of what I'm going through, but it scared me, it left me wondering...

Another bad news....

I guess it's a good thing that I didn't get to put up that week 5 hopeful update on this blog, cause I just came to realize how stupid I was to get so hopeful and wishful.... all the praying in the world couldn't prevent this from happening and I am just speechless at this point.

Beta HCG went down from last week, which means only one thing... baby stopped growing and a miscarriage is imminent.... and I know best of all that no one and nothing can stop it from happening.

I am frustrated, and mad, and confused, and I wanna punch someone in the face, but don't know who, cause it's really nobody's fault! I just don't understand this great plan that God has for me.... I just don't get it!

Week 4 Pregnancy Vlog - sorry for losing it a bit in the video....

BFP with issues of its own!!!

Wow, I dread writting this blog now, I wish I made time yesterday to do a vlog so you could've seen how happy I was! I was over the moon this morning as I peed on a Digital Clearblue test and it showed that beautiful + sign in under a minute.... I put it in a pretty box and hid it at the bottom of hubby's birthday present!

I woke him up, way to early, cause it was the first time I took a digital and didn't know how long it stays on after you take it. He saw his present and then I had to tell him to dig to the bottom to find the box. So he looked at the boxed and leaned in the kiss me, and I told him it's more important what's inside.... so he opened it.... he was in shock, as I was the day before when I found out! We didn't expect this at all this cycle... to quote my previous post, I didn't think PIGS could FLY... and here they were.....

And then, after a moment of joy.... that all too familiar face came on... the "WHAT IF" face..... I know it all too well! And I knew.... he couldn't be happy with all his heart until he knew it was all ok.... and the truth is.... so am I, only that I get my excitement get the best of me.....(while I secretly cry and pray to God as I'm driving to work and from work each day).

And only a couple of hours passed and I got my beta results from yesterday, which was probably around 14dpo, based on past cycles (didn't monitor this one). This number crushed me.... I couldn't even bring myself to tell hubby yet, cause I'm afraid I'm gonna have a meltdown in the middle of my work day. I'll tell him tonight and we'll probably keep hoping but brace ourselves for the next results!

I'll go in tomorrow morning to get blood drawn, which will be about 46-47 hours after the first one. I want to think that everything will be ok, but in the back of my mind I just can't right now!!! The "WHAT IF" kills me. I wish I can see PIGS FLYING again!!!!!

I'll probably stop to a church on my way home and light a candle and say a long prayer................................

Doc Appointment Results

So today was my appointment at 6 months after the miscarriage. Officially this is the time when we're supposed to start trying again (we never stopped trying, for the record).

It was such a brief meeting, just discussing next steps and game plan for months to come.

First things first, I was told to stop using OPKs and charting because it causes too much stress, and i had to agree because I found that out on my own, the frustration is endless, and I'm a pretty emotional person, so I take it the hard way.

After a short discussion I was told that hubby doesn't have to redo the spermogram, but that we both have to go in for a genetic testing, because of the pregnancy that was stopped in evolution. I guess they want to rule out genetic malformations or problems so that we don't have to go through that again.

Apart from that I was given a long list of tests (super expensive, by the way) to do on the next cycle. They mostly include immunology markers and virology markers, such as Listeria, Taxoplasmosis, Gonoreea, Herpes (several kinds), and the usual Vaginal and Cervical Secretions (sorry TMI). By the end of it I may have a clue if anything is wrong or I may not, but for sure I'll be broke!!!

At my clinic they offer some of the tests for free with my insurance, but the rest (and there's a whole lot of them) are gonna break my budget for a while.... : (

Oh, and I forgot to mention that after I'm done with all these tests, I still have to do an HSG (Histerosalpingogram)... real bummer.... I'm kinda scared of it!

Here's hoping for an absurd miracle that AF doesn't show up this month and I don't have to go through the probing process..... I know... pigs can't fly... Jules reminded us the other day.....