Bad omen ?

Hey everyone! I'm gonna start this blog by mentioning how  much I love spring! It is my favorite season by far, and it's also when I'm born. My bday is next week, but I must say that I was never into celebrating it.... I don't like being sang to (happy bday and such), I like receiving flowers and gifts, but I don't make a big deal out of it, and I don't like throwing parties for it, cause they always turn out bad..... I can't remember a single bday party that I liked or that went on without any incidents...

That being said.... this has been a sad month so far. If last month we were celebrating my hubby's bday with a BFP, this month I'm celebrating my bday with a MC..... just figures...

Last wednesday was International Womens Day, which is kinda of a big deal here, cause it's also Mother's Day. I got a lot of flowers at work, but because I work also with my mom, and she wasn't in the office that day, everyone left her flowers on my desk as well... so I obviously had 2 of each at any point in time.

Well, you may ask yourself how beautiful spring flowers can be a bad omen and I don't know if this is the same in other cultures, but over here even numbered flowers are only taken to funerals. So I didn't like seeing them on my desk of course.

Come Friday I started bleeding and I started taking the meds that my doc gave me. Needless to say I felt pretty shitty all weekend, between cramps, bleeding, and a ton of side-effects from the meds, which included hyperventilation, accelerated pulse, high blood pressure, upset stomach and so on....

Last night, although it was pretty much over... just spotting a bit... I had the weirdest dream ever. It never happened to me before to have a dream within a dream, but last night was a first! I have to mention that seeing a baby in your dreams is also believed to be a bad omen here, a sign of illness or even death!

I was dreaming that I was miscarrying and that between all those cramps I gave birth to a baby girl, and I freaked out, I couldn't understand what had happened, how could the doctors been wrong? doing some weird calculation in my head (in my dream) I figured I was about 20 weeks preggo and I must've bled throughout the pregnancy cause I didn't know I was....
I was at my mother's house and they were all so happy to see the girl, but then I took a trip somewhere and when i saw my mom again I asked her where the baby was.... and she said What baby? were you dreaming? And I realized I must've dreamt it and woken up from a dream, but it seemed so real..... did I really just dreamt about holding my baby girl? It was so weird......
The dream continued for a while with me confused about what had happened and missing a plane I was supposed to get on and just weird stuff like that.

When I was woke up for real it was about 2:30am, I was still freaked out and confused..... that dream within the dream felt so real.... so palpable....it terrified me....

I don't know if it's a bad omen of things to come or if it's just a reflection of what I'm going through, but it scared me, it left me wondering...

Week 4 Pregnancy Vlog - sorry for losing it a bit in the video....

BFP with issues of its own!!!

Wow, I dread writting this blog now, I wish I made time yesterday to do a vlog so you could've seen how happy I was! I was over the moon this morning as I peed on a Digital Clearblue test and it showed that beautiful + sign in under a minute.... I put it in a pretty box and hid it at the bottom of hubby's birthday present!

I woke him up, way to early, cause it was the first time I took a digital and didn't know how long it stays on after you take it. He saw his present and then I had to tell him to dig to the bottom to find the box. So he looked at the boxed and leaned in the kiss me, and I told him it's more important what's inside.... so he opened it.... he was in shock, as I was the day before when I found out! We didn't expect this at all this cycle... to quote my previous post, I didn't think PIGS could FLY... and here they were.....

And then, after a moment of joy.... that all too familiar face came on... the "WHAT IF" face..... I know it all too well! And I knew.... he couldn't be happy with all his heart until he knew it was all ok.... and the truth is.... so am I, only that I get my excitement get the best of me.....(while I secretly cry and pray to God as I'm driving to work and from work each day).

And only a couple of hours passed and I got my beta results from yesterday, which was probably around 14dpo, based on past cycles (didn't monitor this one). This number crushed me.... I couldn't even bring myself to tell hubby yet, cause I'm afraid I'm gonna have a meltdown in the middle of my work day. I'll tell him tonight and we'll probably keep hoping but brace ourselves for the next results!

I'll go in tomorrow morning to get blood drawn, which will be about 46-47 hours after the first one. I want to think that everything will be ok, but in the back of my mind I just can't right now!!! The "WHAT IF" kills me. I wish I can see PIGS FLYING again!!!!!

I'll probably stop to a church on my way home and light a candle and say a long prayer................................