Friday, February 24, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
BFP with issues of its own!!!
Wow, I dread writting this blog now, I wish I made time yesterday to do a vlog so you could've seen how happy I was! I was over the moon this morning as I peed on a Digital Clearblue test and it showed that beautiful + sign in under a minute.... I put it in a pretty box and hid it at the bottom of hubby's birthday present!
I woke him up, way to early, cause it was the first time I took a digital and didn't know how long it stays on after you take it. He saw his present and then I had to tell him to dig to the bottom to find the box. So he looked at the boxed and leaned in the kiss me, and I told him it's more important what's inside.... so he opened it.... he was in shock, as I was the day before when I found out! We didn't expect this at all this cycle... to quote my previous post, I didn't think PIGS could FLY... and here they were.....
And then, after a moment of joy.... that all too familiar face came on... the "WHAT IF" face..... I know it all too well! And I knew.... he couldn't be happy with all his heart until he knew it was all ok.... and the truth is.... so am I, only that I get my excitement get the best of me.....(while I secretly cry and pray to God as I'm driving to work and from work each day).
And only a couple of hours passed and I got my beta results from yesterday, which was probably around 14dpo, based on past cycles (didn't monitor this one). This number crushed me.... I couldn't even bring myself to tell hubby yet, cause I'm afraid I'm gonna have a meltdown in the middle of my work day. I'll tell him tonight and we'll probably keep hoping but brace ourselves for the next results!
I'll go in tomorrow morning to get blood drawn, which will be about 46-47 hours after the first one. I want to think that everything will be ok, but in the back of my mind I just can't right now!!! The "WHAT IF" kills me. I wish I can see PIGS FLYING again!!!!!
I'll probably stop to a church on my way home and light a candle and say a long prayer................................
I woke him up, way to early, cause it was the first time I took a digital and didn't know how long it stays on after you take it. He saw his present and then I had to tell him to dig to the bottom to find the box. So he looked at the boxed and leaned in the kiss me, and I told him it's more important what's inside.... so he opened it.... he was in shock, as I was the day before when I found out! We didn't expect this at all this cycle... to quote my previous post, I didn't think PIGS could FLY... and here they were.....
And then, after a moment of joy.... that all too familiar face came on... the "WHAT IF" face..... I know it all too well! And I knew.... he couldn't be happy with all his heart until he knew it was all ok.... and the truth is.... so am I, only that I get my excitement get the best of me.....(while I secretly cry and pray to God as I'm driving to work and from work each day).
And only a couple of hours passed and I got my beta results from yesterday, which was probably around 14dpo, based on past cycles (didn't monitor this one). This number crushed me.... I couldn't even bring myself to tell hubby yet, cause I'm afraid I'm gonna have a meltdown in the middle of my work day. I'll tell him tonight and we'll probably keep hoping but brace ourselves for the next results!
I'll go in tomorrow morning to get blood drawn, which will be about 46-47 hours after the first one. I want to think that everything will be ok, but in the back of my mind I just can't right now!!! The "WHAT IF" kills me. I wish I can see PIGS FLYING again!!!!!
I'll probably stop to a church on my way home and light a candle and say a long prayer................................
Friday, February 17, 2012
Doc Appointment Results
So today was my appointment at 6 months after the miscarriage. Officially this is the time when we're supposed to start trying again (we never stopped trying, for the record).
It was such a brief meeting, just discussing next steps and game plan for months to come.
First things first, I was told to stop using OPKs and charting because it causes too much stress, and i had to agree because I found that out on my own, the frustration is endless, and I'm a pretty emotional person, so I take it the hard way.
After a short discussion I was told that hubby doesn't have to redo the spermogram, but that we both have to go in for a genetic testing, because of the pregnancy that was stopped in evolution. I guess they want to rule out genetic malformations or problems so that we don't have to go through that again.
Apart from that I was given a long list of tests (super expensive, by the way) to do on the next cycle. They mostly include immunology markers and virology markers, such as Listeria, Taxoplasmosis, Gonoreea, Herpes (several kinds), and the usual Vaginal and Cervical Secretions (sorry TMI). By the end of it I may have a clue if anything is wrong or I may not, but for sure I'll be broke!!!
At my clinic they offer some of the tests for free with my insurance, but the rest (and there's a whole lot of them) are gonna break my budget for a while.... : (
Oh, and I forgot to mention that after I'm done with all these tests, I still have to do an HSG (Histerosalpingogram)... real bummer.... I'm kinda scared of it!
Here's hoping for an absurd miracle that AF doesn't show up this month and I don't have to go through the probing process..... I know... pigs can't fly... Jules reminded us the other day.....
It was such a brief meeting, just discussing next steps and game plan for months to come.
First things first, I was told to stop using OPKs and charting because it causes too much stress, and i had to agree because I found that out on my own, the frustration is endless, and I'm a pretty emotional person, so I take it the hard way.
After a short discussion I was told that hubby doesn't have to redo the spermogram, but that we both have to go in for a genetic testing, because of the pregnancy that was stopped in evolution. I guess they want to rule out genetic malformations or problems so that we don't have to go through that again.
Apart from that I was given a long list of tests (super expensive, by the way) to do on the next cycle. They mostly include immunology markers and virology markers, such as Listeria, Taxoplasmosis, Gonoreea, Herpes (several kinds), and the usual Vaginal and Cervical Secretions (sorry TMI). By the end of it I may have a clue if anything is wrong or I may not, but for sure I'll be broke!!!
At my clinic they offer some of the tests for free with my insurance, but the rest (and there's a whole lot of them) are gonna break my budget for a while.... : (
Oh, and I forgot to mention that after I'm done with all these tests, I still have to do an HSG (Histerosalpingogram)... real bummer.... I'm kinda scared of it!
Here's hoping for an absurd miracle that AF doesn't show up this month and I don't have to go through the probing process..... I know... pigs can't fly... Jules reminded us the other day.....
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Near End-Of Cycle Update
Today is CD 24 ( I had to check FF, cause I didn't even know it), and this has been a down-time cycle. I was taking a break from TTC and it's good that this was so or I would've been so frustrated.
Around my normal ovulation time hubby got super sick with really high fever (39.1 Celcius) and chills, coughing, the works, so needless to say our BD was almost in-existent. Since I'm not trying this month, I'm not frustrated about it, but I am worried that the high fever will affect coming months as well.
I've read in a TTC book that high fever kills sperm or at least affects them quite a bit and that it takes about 3 months for the body to produce fresh sperm. So my biggest concern at this time is that this incident puts us back another 3 months in our journey and that to me is just sad because it'll be past the due date of the August baby that miscarried. In my head I was hoping to fall preggo before that deadline and figured I would cope with that date a lot better if I was "expecting".
I was able to talk to my Infertility Specialist today (who is also my uncle, distant uncle, but best in the country) and unfortunatelly he is super sick as well, so he asked me to call him on Thursday night and see if he's feeling better and can see us on Friday morning.
I'm really looking forward in seeing him because I trust him a lot and I want to have a clear game plan for the months to come.
I'll be sure to update once we have the appointment! Have an awesome V-day everyone!!!
Around my normal ovulation time hubby got super sick with really high fever (39.1 Celcius) and chills, coughing, the works, so needless to say our BD was almost in-existent. Since I'm not trying this month, I'm not frustrated about it, but I am worried that the high fever will affect coming months as well.
I've read in a TTC book that high fever kills sperm or at least affects them quite a bit and that it takes about 3 months for the body to produce fresh sperm. So my biggest concern at this time is that this incident puts us back another 3 months in our journey and that to me is just sad because it'll be past the due date of the August baby that miscarried. In my head I was hoping to fall preggo before that deadline and figured I would cope with that date a lot better if I was "expecting".
I was able to talk to my Infertility Specialist today (who is also my uncle, distant uncle, but best in the country) and unfortunatelly he is super sick as well, so he asked me to call him on Thursday night and see if he's feeling better and can see us on Friday morning.
I'm really looking forward in seeing him because I trust him a lot and I want to have a clear game plan for the months to come.
I'll be sure to update once we have the appointment! Have an awesome V-day everyone!!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Enough TTC - No more...
I've had a total breakdown on Sunday. I was home alone, as hubby had a full day of work; it was CD1 so I was already depressed; and then watched a movie on HBO called Surrogate mother or something like that and I had a total meltdown, cried like crazy and just got so fed up with TTC.
It's now been 5 months since the MC and I have definite proof that I've been ovulating each cycle, but my body doesn't seem to get the memo. Progesterone is low, so I'm taking supplements, but even with supplements AF seems to be here less and less.
About this time last year, AF used to come for 5 days (with the works), for the past 2 cycles, she's been here only a couple of days and super light (which is usually a sign of an anovulatory cycle)...
I am pissed off... I am certain I ovulated on both sides, this cycle on the right, last cycle on the left and nothing happened, so all I can assume is that both my tubes are blocked. I am supposed to get an HSG done, but before that I have to redo all my tests (which were done last year).
And I'm not necessarily afraid of the pain that comes with the HSG, but instead I mostly fear that they won't find anything wrong... and then I won't have any explanation for why I'm not getting pregnant! That just terrifies me, because so far I can't do Clomid (cause I"m O on my own), and if this shows up clear too, I won't be able to do IVF either...
Not only that, but I found out I have to drop 20 kgs if I want to be eligible for free IVF (they give out free IVF to 1000 couples/year in my country).
I am just so fed up... I quit TTC for a month at least. I stopped temping and charting (woke up on CD1 to take temp and realized...oh wait.. I don't have to do this anymore... went back to sleep happy). I stopped scheduling sex and just stopped worrying.
I will still take my vitamins, still be on a healthy diet, and will go in for all the test... but won't do another mid-cycle scan and no beta test!!!! I need a break!!!!!!
It's now been 5 months since the MC and I have definite proof that I've been ovulating each cycle, but my body doesn't seem to get the memo. Progesterone is low, so I'm taking supplements, but even with supplements AF seems to be here less and less.
About this time last year, AF used to come for 5 days (with the works), for the past 2 cycles, she's been here only a couple of days and super light (which is usually a sign of an anovulatory cycle)...
I am pissed off... I am certain I ovulated on both sides, this cycle on the right, last cycle on the left and nothing happened, so all I can assume is that both my tubes are blocked. I am supposed to get an HSG done, but before that I have to redo all my tests (which were done last year).
And I'm not necessarily afraid of the pain that comes with the HSG, but instead I mostly fear that they won't find anything wrong... and then I won't have any explanation for why I'm not getting pregnant! That just terrifies me, because so far I can't do Clomid (cause I"m O on my own), and if this shows up clear too, I won't be able to do IVF either...
Not only that, but I found out I have to drop 20 kgs if I want to be eligible for free IVF (they give out free IVF to 1000 couples/year in my country).
I am just so fed up... I quit TTC for a month at least. I stopped temping and charting (woke up on CD1 to take temp and realized...oh wait.. I don't have to do this anymore... went back to sleep happy). I stopped scheduling sex and just stopped worrying.
I will still take my vitamins, still be on a healthy diet, and will go in for all the test... but won't do another mid-cycle scan and no beta test!!!! I need a break!!!!!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Weird dreams
I've been trying to write this blog all weekend, but I just didn't seem to have the time to. Before I say anything, I should mention that I dream a lot (at night I mean, not with my eyes open). I think I dream more than most people, as in 3-4 dreams per night and I usually remember them all. Apart from dreaming a lot, I also get really weird dreams... if I would have the patience to write them down, they would make some of the best sci-fi movies around!!!
Having that said... this weekend was the epiphany of weird dreams, especially nightmares, some really scary. But there was one dream... the first one actually... that stood out to me, and I didn't even tell it to my hubby, just because I wasn't sure what significance it could have...
In this dream we were in a strange location, kinda looking like a house, and we were surrounded by these weird zombies all dressed up in suits, they were looking like a bunch a corporate "monkeys" doing a weird dancing routine, it's kinda like what I envision the corporate world to be.... everyone doing the same synced dance routine....I just can't figure out what they were doing in my dream.
The point is that we were running away from them in the dream and at some point I yelled to my hubby which was on a staircase to grab the girls from upstairs and he showed up with a pink, flowery design, baby carrier (the basic kind, that here in Romania they make you buy in order to take a baby home from the hospital). I attached a picture reference below. In the dream I knew there were 2 little girls in there, but I could never see them.
I'm hoping that's a good omen, because in my country it is believed that when you see a small baby in your dreams that it symbolizes death, but I guess that's different in every culture.
Having that said... this weekend was the epiphany of weird dreams, especially nightmares, some really scary. But there was one dream... the first one actually... that stood out to me, and I didn't even tell it to my hubby, just because I wasn't sure what significance it could have...
In this dream we were in a strange location, kinda looking like a house, and we were surrounded by these weird zombies all dressed up in suits, they were looking like a bunch a corporate "monkeys" doing a weird dancing routine, it's kinda like what I envision the corporate world to be.... everyone doing the same synced dance routine....I just can't figure out what they were doing in my dream.
The point is that we were running away from them in the dream and at some point I yelled to my hubby which was on a staircase to grab the girls from upstairs and he showed up with a pink, flowery design, baby carrier (the basic kind, that here in Romania they make you buy in order to take a baby home from the hospital). I attached a picture reference below. In the dream I knew there were 2 little girls in there, but I could never see them.
I'm hoping that's a good omen, because in my country it is believed that when you see a small baby in your dreams that it symbolizes death, but I guess that's different in every culture.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
MUSICAL CHAIRS
A couple of nights ago I got this crazy cute picture from my dad. He lives about an hour away from us and he's surrounded by animals in the house, including our cat (the orange one) that we had to give up when moving to the new house. Thankfully he found a nice home with my dad and he loves him now very much!
So here they were at time for dinner when the cats started playing musical chairs with my dad and guess what.... when the music ended he was the one left without a chair at the dinner table...LOL!
So, when I saw the picture, apart from laughing a little bit and going "Aww...how cute!"... I had to start thinking that it's exactly how I feel in this TTC journey. I don't have anything against the girls who get their BFPs, I couldn't be more happy for them, but I just keep feeling like every time the music ends (AF time) I'm the sucker who's left without a chair....
I just wish for once I could be fast enough or smart enough or just plain lucky enough to grab a chair and get a chance to be joyous and complete our family of two!
I hope nobody takes this as a rant, because it's not! It's been written in a very light-hearted manner and meant only as a comparison at how games illustrate life so well!!!
So here they were at time for dinner when the cats started playing musical chairs with my dad and guess what.... when the music ended he was the one left without a chair at the dinner table...LOL!
So, when I saw the picture, apart from laughing a little bit and going "Aww...how cute!"... I had to start thinking that it's exactly how I feel in this TTC journey. I don't have anything against the girls who get their BFPs, I couldn't be more happy for them, but I just keep feeling like every time the music ends (AF time) I'm the sucker who's left without a chair....
I just wish for once I could be fast enough or smart enough or just plain lucky enough to grab a chair and get a chance to be joyous and complete our family of two!
I hope nobody takes this as a rant, because it's not! It's been written in a very light-hearted manner and meant only as a comparison at how games illustrate life so well!!!
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